Music in my Soul, Fire in my Brain
by imitateslife
Summary: "He knows me better than anyone else. In all ways... every dark, dirty, bloodstained crevice." Old iPod shuffle, 12 drabbles. E/N. Rating for drugs/language/mentions of sex. R&R, please!


_1) Ship of Fools by Sarah Brightman_

What happened to us, Erik? We were once so in love, so passionate, so close. You were my lover, my friend, my confidant. But now, I can't seem to reach you. I cling desperately to memories of happier days. Times we were together, laughing, loving, talking. That girl, that Daae girl, came between us, I know. But I don't blame her. I can't. Somehow, I always knew I could never hold you for more than a brief time. You never did like to be caged by anything—even love.

_2) Hate Me by Blue October_

Damn you, Nadir. Damn you and your insufferable morality. Damn your incessant visits. Damn your concern for my soul. Every time I shut my eyes, I see your green eyes, wracked with pain and pity. I hear your voice in the silence, pleading me to put the morphine away and be the great man you believed I could be.

This would be so much easier if you hated me. I wish you would see me for what I am—a monster, a wretch, a fool.

I'm off the morphine. I feel you should know that. But the withdrawals are hell. Writhing on the floor in agony until I black out. And even then, I hear your voice. Your infuriatingly calm voice, telling me it will all be fine. But it won't be. I've already done so much damage. I've ruined your life. I've ruined my life. I've made so many mistakes. I've hurt you so badly. I've betrayed your trust.

It would be so much easier if you hated me. I wish you didn't believe in me. I wish you wouldn't love me.

For once you love me, you can never leave me. And my love will slowly kill you in the same way the morphine kills me.

_3) Nobody Ever Died of a Broken Heart by Trick Pony_

"Erik, stop talking nonsense," Nadir said, shaking his head and moving swiftly from the chair to join Erik on the floor. "Nobody ever died of a broken heart."

Erik didn't look up. He moaned into his hands. "She's gone… The forehead… She kissed me… And she's gone… But she didn't die… And now, I will die…"

"Stop it, stop it! Nobody ever died of a broken heart."

"Liar," Erik hissed, this time, his head snapped up and the mask clumsily fell to the floor. "What do you know of broken heart?"

Nadir inhaled sharply. "Plenty."

4) _The Last Words You Said by Sarah Brightman_

"Take care, Erik."

Oh, how I wish I could go with him, but there are things to be done in Mazenderan. Otherwise, the police will catch us both within days. I want him to at least be free.

"Adieu, mon ami," Erik says, smiling sadly beneath his mask.

His friend. Oh, I can never strive to be more. I wish I would have said something… But I never could bring myself to tell him. I bite my lip.

"Erik… I…"

"Yes, Nadir?"

"I… I will miss you."

"Don't be a fool, Nadir, you will be glad to get rid of me."

I swallow hard. He turns to go.

"Erik…"

"You're making this goodbye harder than it has to be."

I bite my lip again before doing something impulsive for the first time in my life.

I kiss Erik for the first and last time before he rides off into the night.

_5) Naked by Celine Dion_

He knows me better than anyone else. In all ways. My mind—every dark, dirty, bloodstained crevice. My face—however distorted and deformed. My… heart? Yes, my heart. He is, after all, my conscience. And he's the only one I've been this close to. The only one I've ever trusted.

He's so gentle. Like he's scared to break me at first. But in time, he's become bolder, stronger, more passionate.

Thank God. I used to wonder if Nadir had a passionate bone in his body.

I'm so glad to be proven wrong, because now, neither of us have anything to hide.

_6) How Far by Martina McBride_

I should leave. I shouldn't still be here. I could make a life anywhere else. I could take a train to some new, remote country. I could go to England by boat. Anything to escape these… Fights, I suppose they're called. Erik goes from stony silence to murderous rage faster than the blink of an eye. I can't live like this any more, as his conscience, I mean. It's taking its toll on me. I'm breaking down and I don't think he cares. I threaten to leave every now and again, but somehow, I got it in my thick head that I'm the only chance he has for salvation and that if I leave, I will be committing some unspeakable sin. And yet, each day, I take another step—emotionally, if not physically—away.

7) _You'll Think of Me by Keith Urban_

After all these years, he doesn't love me. He loves her. Christine Daae. I can't sleep now that I know. It's four in the morning now and all I can do is stare abjectly at the ink dark sky. He told me why he loves her. Her voice. Her purity. Her innocence. He told me that I can't possibly understand how much he loves her. What this means to him.

Oh, this aches, it burns! I just nodded, narrowing my eyes in what he assumed to be paranoid anger. Not hurt. Not confusion. Not what it was. I just hope that someday, it hits him and he feels how I do right now. And by that point, I won't be haunted by his memory.

In the meantime, I can only thank Allah that he doesn't know what I really think of all this and that now, I'll never know what we could have been. What we should have been.

_8) Rainy Days and Mondays by Emmy Rossum_

"I hate the rain."

"Oh, do lighten up, Daroga. I adore it."

"Oh, you would."

"It never used to rain in Persia. I'd think you'd appreciate the change."

"Hmph."

"You are so depressing. Come with me."

"Just where are you taking me?"

"Outside. It feels as though I hardly get outside."

"Now? In the rain? You _are_ insane."

"Shut up and come."

They stand outside and there's a sort of release for them both as the cold water runs down their faces, making tracks like tears would. But they're smiling. Every Monday, Nadir and Erik spend their afternoons and evenings together. A sideways glance is shared, its meaning heavy in the air. Always, they end up like this, doing some sort of half-baked thing, smiling and reaching across the chasm of time and experience for each other. Trying to save each other from drowning in the weight of the world.

_9) I Melt by Rascal Flatts_

There is no denying it now. One man lies on the bed, watching the other with half-lidded eyes, a little wary, but mostly excited. The other moves wordlessly by the fireplace, busying himself with the candles. There is a groan of wanting from the bed. An involuntary thing. Yellowish eyes meet green ones. And there it is. That reciprocated spark.

Within minutes, both men are on the bed. Gentle kisses trail from the lips, to the neck, the chest… Down, down, down… The involuntary moans are more frequent. One voice is musical and clear, the other raspy and deep. Deeply tanned, olive hands explore alabaster, spider-webbed scarred flesh. And then, there's that little pulling away, that question.

_How do you, of all people, make me melt inside? Why did you pick me—of all people—to love?_

But there's a trust, a gratitude in both men's eyes, just before they give in to desire and let the night take them to the pinnacle of pleasure.

_10) The Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance_

I never thought you'd die before me. I thought I'd go first. I—the ghost, the living dead man, the angel of death! But now, as Darius and I make eye contact, I understand. You aren't going to pull through this illness. His remedies nor mine will heal you. Your time has come.

Oh, Nadir, what am I supposed to do without you? I like to think I'm so independent, so strong, but I know that I rely on you for my human needs, my human weakness. You are my weakness. You, you moral, kind hearted, foolish man. And now, you are never going to open your eyes again. And we will never see each other again. For sinners like me have no place in paradise.

So much is unsaid between us, but it's far too late for regrets.

_11) How to Save a Life by the Fray_

"We need to talk."

Erik moves away from Nadir, ignoring him.

"Erik," Nadir says firmly. "Listen to me. Don't do anything rash."

"Rash? Daroga, whenever have I done anything rash? I'll be as quiet as a lamb, as good as a spaniel, as gentle as a breeze…"

"Stop it. I know better. Please… Don't do this."

"Do what? Kill myself? What a tragic loss my life would be!"

"Stop… Don't even… Promise me…"

"Promises are for the gulls. Go away, Daroga."

"No. I won't. If I can't get your word that you'll be fine, I will stay with you all night, every night, 'til I'm sure that you are fine. I would never forgive myself if you died."

"And yet, you were willing to see me die for that little Vicomte's sake. Truly, Nadir. If you believed us friends, you would have let Erik alone!"

Nadir shrugs helplessly, but holds his ground. He will not leave Erik. Not tonight. Not ever.

_12) Blood by My Chemical Romance_

"I can hardly be an Angel of Death without a _little_ bloodshed, Daroga."

Nadir harrumphed and folded his arms. He wasn't sure who was luckier that there was a chessboard between them: him or Erik.

"Oh, please," Erik said, a ghost of a grin flickered on his thin lips. "It's only orders. You follow yours; I'll follow mine."

"Erik, didn't anyone ever teach you that killing was wrong?"

Erik shrugged lazily. "No one taught me anything. Nature, though, has been a wonderful teacher. It's all about self-preservation. Them or me. My livelihood depends on my ability to kill. I give the Khanum what she wants."

"The woman's insatiable. She'll want more."

"Then I'll give it to her."


End file.
